Married to Me

Who Am I?

So Curious Mind Magazine has deemed it,  “Sologomy” and it’s a thing!!! I absolutely love it! I have been married to myself for a few months now and the things I have done as my wife… Well lets just say, I am one lucky woman 😉

Since I’ve been married to me, I really stick up for me, in all situations – I got myself out of a really toxic living situation without hesitation. I have moved us into a beautiful house, which gives me more time to take myself for walks on the beach and to do yoga and have dinner parties with friends. I have started doing meal prep and making myself lunches for uni and for work and instead of buying gluten free schnitzels and serving those up to myself. I went out and bought chicken breasts to make me, my own… Using pecorino and desiccated…

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Changing Course

After writing last night’s post, I felt totally uninspired. It was another recovery post and I just felt it lacked so much inspiration. I was feeling flat and my program had hit this point of inertia, which left me feeling totally bored even writing about it. I went to sleep feeling disappointed and empty. My life felt hollow and meaningless. (The sound of a concerto played on the world’s smallest violin – haha)

I started thinking loads before I went to sleep and what came up was that my life is very small at the moment. Yes, I have huge insights and revelations around recovery and that gives me a lot to write about, but it just seemed so narrow and one tracked. All I really have in my life at the moment is recovery and work, which both are extremely fulfilling, but 2 things on a plate is not a very interesting meal if you ask me. This brings me to my next point, I wanted to blog about cooking or rather my creations. I don’t think I put it as an esteemable act, but it ought to be. I am at my most grounded when I am making a meal. Not only to have the opportunity to make a meal, but to be able to nurture and give love to my housemates – and have it appreciated… This is one of the biggest gifts for me.

The truth is, I have been so inspired in the kitchen lately I even considered changing professions. The moment that thought popped up, I heard the childhood tape in my mom’s voice, “you have to choose one thing Nicole and stick to it, you are burning the candle from both ends.” – This left me totally deflated and I felt shame for even beginning to dream a little. Looking at the photo of my recipe. I wanted to post it, but my narrow mind said to me, “This is a recovery blog Nicole, you can’t write about food.” – Then a shift – It is like my inner child came bursting through, adamant to be heard. I am nothing like my mother, though I admire and respect her hugely, we really are cut from a different crop (we are on opposite sides of the spectrum in numerology) – The diversity in my life and my passions is what makes me thrive. It is what makes me, me. I am passionate about a lot of things and if I do any of those things individually for a prolonged period of time. The flame will burn out, because it is a very little fire.

I watched a great interview of Joni Mitchell. She simply refuses to be put in a box and is admired for being able to stretch over so many different genres. Music comes second to her painting and she is celebrated for her durability and her diversity.  For me, I see this in all great artists and it inspires me to my core.

Though I am technically not an artist, I most certainly am a creative soul. I love to draw and to paint, I love writing. Creating delicious meals and presenting them to look like something that has come out of a restaurant kitchen is my favourite thing to do. Becoming a comedian is something I have dreamt about since I was very young. I am a good showjump rider and I absolutely love working with people and helping people, so it’s no wonder I have a job in the community sector and instruct pilates. The diversity keeps the momentum rolling for me. On my vision board it’s funny, I have stand up comedy. Sustainable living and a kibbutz community type thing (it’s actually the San Patrignano rehabilitation farm in Italy). I have a food truck, showjumping, equine assisted therapy, writing, leaders, children, multi-culture and road tripping – hahaha I most certainly don’t have one direction. The shift that happened in me the other night, was that instead of feeling shame around it, I got to celebrate it. I don’t have to hide who I am for fear of not being normal. What is normal anyway?

I thought about my therapy sessions and how far I had come. I thought about my recovery and all the work I had put in and there was a voice in my head saying, slow down and enjoy life! I went into the session and I just got honest. I have so much fear being in a country so far away from home. That I am recovering, but that I feel my life is so empty and that I have dreamt about going to Sydney, since I got here. I just want to see it! Oh, and I really want to dress like a boy. These may seem like simple things for most people, but for me, the ability to want something for myself is HUGE! I have internalised homophobia, so expressing that I want to change the way I look to be who I am, rather to fit into what is deemed “normal” is one of the biggest steps for me. Then expressing to my therapist that I want to cut my sessions in half and use that money to go away every second month, is even bigger… I am a poverty addict and I am used to living on nothing, so to spend money on something nice for myself that can be considered a luxury and not a necessity is monumental and something I have never done.

I left the session feeling on top of the world. My therapist, being the incredible woman she is, asked me, “what can I do to support you Nicole?” – I felt empowered and loved. I don’t even know how to express the gratitude I feel – I got home and started cooking hahaha! It was really well received and appreciated by both my housemates. A friend of mine is going to Sydney into an incredible treatment centre there and threw out randomly, when I mentioned my dream of going to Sydney, that I should come visit while she is in there. She totally planted the seed. And she is my best friend. I continued cooking and then got a reach out call from another member, who is a good friend of us both. She said she had the dream of going to Sydney to check out the fellowship and I said, “well I’m going on the 21st to go and visit….”, she immediately jumped on the bandwagon and asked to join. She said she was bad at organising so if I could do that she’d book her flight.

This was God’s will. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have been motivated to do anything. If it wasn’t for the money program, I would have tried to do the booking all in hiding. Instead I voiced it and openly spoke about budget with my housemate. She put me onto the best car rental place, which cut the car hire costs in half – Vehicle Rent – you’re welcome 😉 hahaha – Anyway, the end result is I booked a holiday that was $100 under my budget and it will become even cheaper, because when I spoke to this other member this morning, she has booked her flights, so accommodation and car gets halved again! WINNING!!! The best part is the friend I am going to see, thinks that only I am coming… The look on her face when she sees both of us arriving is the type of thing that I live for.

It’s the simple things in life. Always through the most amount of pain, do I gain the greatest learning. Today I am beyond grateful. I am so lucky! My life is changing course and there is some beautiful scenery ahead AND I am walking hand in hand with God… Suddenly my life doesn’t feel empty or lonely anymore.

Shining light on the past

Something seriously shifted in me today. I had an experience. In my previous posts I’ve highlighted my impeding program and though I feel the rest was necessary, it left me in a huge amount of pain, with little clarity of how to get out. By cutting down on certain things, I got to experience first hand what has really been working for me with the reintroduction this morning. Step work, therapy work and prayer are simply not enough. Meditation and Morning Pages (A tool in the Artists Way), have been the things that took my recovery to a much deeper level.

I wrote the 3 pages of long hand, like Julia Cameron suggests, after a 20 minute heart chakra meditation. I cried my eyes out (which is totally out of character, because of a rather stoic family conditioning) – There were a number of core beliefs, which came up and the main ones were the feeling of not being good enough and no matter how much I do, it will never be enough for you to love me and choose me. This spurred from a dream I had a couple of nights ago, about a partner leaving me for someone else. I never saw the connection, until I wrote about it this morning. My dad, sister and stepmom left the country when I was 10. I got left behind. This has left an incredibly excruciating wound, which cuts me deep to my core. My mom, struggled with her own demons, indulged in workaholism and disappeared from my life at the same time. This trauma bond has been replaying as the blueprint for every relationship I have ever had. It’s no wonder when a woman chooses me, I immediately fall in ‘love’. There is such a deep longing to be enough for somebody to love and choose me. How I keep recreating it, is I continue to choose unavailable women, who inevitably choose their partner over me (hahaha, God I give myself the worst opportunities, but they seem to be the only women I am attracted to).

The tears were healing and I think a really long time coming. Sometimes the memories are buried so deep for me, I need the dream to trigger them. God works in mysterious ways and I am so grateful for the insight, because slowly everything is starting to fall into place. I have the opportunity to shine the light on my foggy past and finally heal from all of this unprocessed stuff. Breaking free from the chains of addiction one day at a time, unlocking a spirit inside me, ready to fly – I am blessed and so grateful!

 

A Human BEING, not a human doing!

There had been something brewing in the air lately and I can’t put my finger on why my heart is so sore and lonely, not sure I will ever really know. I feel like emotionally I need to take a break. It is the most loving thing to do. I have been living in God’s grace for the last few days and that requires a solid commitment to not over planning my life. I have been going pretty much flat out since I started recovery. I have workaholic tendencies, so it is really easy to distract myself with busyness. So this whole go with the flow in God’s grace thing, though heavenly, has been really confronting. All this time to process emotions, which were always brushed aside as an inconvenience in my hectic life.

The result is, I am feeling rather bruised. I have tried to bury myself in my program, but God even has other ideas for that. I have found myself slowing right down. I do my tenth every night and I ask for God to direct my thinking every morning, but the rigorous way in which I worked my program in the past, has stopped. I don’t find time for it. Now you would think it’s because I have lost momentum and like I am putting life in front of my program. (This I would have judged other people in the past for, if I heard them talking about the same thing) But instead it is time taken out to go for a massage, take a bath or walk on the beach. Time taken to cook a really loving meal or get involved with my housemates in gardening and making a beautiful place feel like a home,

Sounds pretty healthy to me. The thing people have forgotten to mention, is that although living in God’s grace is simple, it is by no means easy. I have activities take place that ground me and then all this extra time to feel these feelings, that I have spent my whole life forcing down or distracting myself from. It is more painful than I realised and I’m truly present in my body to feel it. I am desperate to reach out to an old intrigue, but by the grace of God, I am holding on to my sobriety again, but that I have to pray for a few times a day, because she would be the perfect detraction from the pain in my body.

I am reading Brennan Manning’s book, “The Ragamuffin Gospel” – I absolutely love it. It is giving me a better understanding of religion, but more so it is really focussed on what “God’s Grace” actually means and how it has been misconstrued. For me, this deeper understanding, is deepening my relationship with God and that is fundamental during this process of deconstructing the barrier around my heart. I feel like, once through this layer, that I will be more vulnerable  than a naked baby and I am going to need divine guidance and protection. Manning said, “To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark side. By admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God’s grace means… My deepest awareness of self is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn or deserve it” – I love this! I have become a human doing and I have always used what I do, to define me and the more I do, the more love I will get. The concept to be loved for who I am is so foreign to me, it’s not even in the same language.

It’s no wonder I am struggling with doing less. It boils down to self love for me. I can not expect you to love me for who I am if I don’t love me for who I am. And it is even more difficult to expect myself to love me for who I am, if I have always been to busy doing to actually be. Who is the human being… I have had a little glimpse. Too brief to really know.

The Gruesome Truth

Twelve steps in Sex & Love Fellowship done! 🙂 I totally did them to prove a point, but who cares what the motivation is for positive behaviour, because at least now they are done once completely. I feel really content and I have had the pleasure of experiencing the quietness of mind, even through slippery times.

My major excitement comes at the fact that I can now recommit to the money program. I can address the compulsive need to prove, because that is one of the symptoms, and get to work at setting goals for life and building self worth. For me, through my experience (and now I can say it, because I did put all other programs down, just to work on one) – I need to work programs simultaneously, because really my addiction is forever manifesting and one of my triggers for acting out sexually is financial stress. So I have contacted my money sponsor and tonight I have set the intention to recommit to that program, while running the sex stuff parallel.

Working through Chapter One of Patrick Carnes, “Facing the Shadows” has just smashed through the denial and the cockiness I developed through sustained sobriety. I am a sex addict, who loves to play the victim of crazy lovers or of misplaced love… playing myself a concerto on the world’s smallest violin. When the truth is, I am a hunter, a predator if you must. I am just “a shy little, blonde girl”, so you would never guess it. I got away with this disguise loads in my active drug addiction. I was a dealer, who used to get off on getting away with ‘murder’, because the cops never questioned my involvement in anything.

The truth hurts! While working through the book, I couldn’t stop shaking my head in shame. I know I have a disease, but I am not proud of my behaviour and seeing the beast in it’s vulgarness is confronting beyond words. Thank God I am used to doing my 10th without self-condemnation… that alone has softened the blow. For so long, I chose to turn my back on my past for fear of looking at it. So ashamed of what I have done. Thats what makes recovery hard for my avoidant self. The only way to heal from it is to look at it and learn from it.

Today I am grateful for the determination to carry on. This is more God’s success than mine and I am so appreciative of the fact that I am able to move onto the other side of this pain, where the learning is.

Recommitted

I have been on somewhat of a wobbly road lately. I have looked a relapse in the face and somehow managed to avoid it. I’m not out of trouble yet and I am treading hard to stay afloat. I guess you can say I’ve fallen into the river, but I am still holding onto a branch on the bank… Just.

I spent yesterday in complete resistance. I have never felt that way towards program before. I literally was ready to give up. Throw in the towel. Call the girl and act out. I white knuckled yesterday. I didn’t do any step work to get relief, nor did I ask God for any help… The result? I acted out with sex with self, for the first time in 5 months. I justify it by saying I stayed connected with my body and it was a once off and brief, but the truth is a slip, is a slip, is a slip… no matter what the nature.

If I’m honest, I have been on the slippery slope for a month now and denial was lathered on so thick, I pulled the wool over my own eyes. As I work through the “Facing the Shadows” book, I am seeing it clear as day. I am a sex addict through and through and 8 months of sobriety just made me cocky. This disease is so much smarter than me!

This morning I recommitted to my program. I am on the 12th step and after thats done, I will throw myself into the money program, because thats the next issue… not the money, rather my self worth. When I woke up, the last thing I felt like doing was getting up 2 hours earlier to do my morning program, but the truth is, that it has been the only thing keeping me sober and choosing not to do it, is choosing to relapse. I pried myself out of bed. Prayer, meditation, step work, journal and Patrick Carnes workbook… I am proud of myself. Today felt bearable and I managed to refrain from using the whip on myself for yesterday’s slip.

The goal for the week now is to recommit to the exercise routine (this includes yoga) – I need it daily – and there is probably a huge calling for some more relationship recovery meetings. My life has gone seriously off track. Not enough for anybody else to notice, but I started obsessing and stopped living. It’s no wonder I am lonely and searching outside of myself for someone to fill the void. I am recommitting to myself (my wife – that awesome woman I married 3 months ago.) – I got distracted by another woman. I pray to forgive myself and continue the relationship with the person that matters the most – Me.

The Life on top of a Lonely Heart

I feel I should start this off by talking about the gifts of recovery. Well the most current gifts, that is. Last night I got to travel down south to the Bellarine Peninsula to visit my home away from home. A couple, I met almost a year ago, live down that way and they have been the closest thing I have to family here in Australia. I met Jules on the showjumping circuit and have visited her and her partner, Marco, monthly since November.

Each visit they invite me into their home, welcome me. We cook sensational food together. We do the most magnificent, breath taking beach riding that one could possibly hope to experience in a lifetime. We listen to great music, have flowing conversations. Oh my word, we eat until we are too full, you have to roll off of your chair and lie in front of the fire for an hour, before you are able to get up and go to bed. We play rummikub and laugh like no one is watching. It is beautiful, nurturing and free! I am so blessed and grateful. It is one true gift of staying sober.

Each time I visit, I see how far I have come in my recovery. It is like a milestone for me. Each time I realise how much more comfortable I have become in my own skin and how much lovelier, lovely people become. Also their humanness became apparent. Instead of pedestalising these ‘Gods’ who just have their shit together the whole time. I got to see the people behind the front. But for some reason I don’t think it is them who have been hiding, but rather me who was unable to see such vulnerability until such a time as I have experienced it.

Another gift, though it is hard to acknowledge it as that. Is the gift of feelings. I have been somewhat overwhelmed by what has come up for me in the last two days.  In my therapy session I became aware of how I grip onto my pelvic floor as a trauma response, I thought it was only when I got nervous, but it turns out I do it all the time. I grab it when I look in the mirror, because I have this idea of how my body should look and how flat my tummy ‘should be’. I have been so body conscious after the session and have actively been working on disengaging that muscle. My sponsor suggested a way to relax it. I listened to Peter A. Levine – Healing the Sacred Wound – The first time I watched it, I tried it and burst out laughing, but I will continue to practice until it becomes a part of my routine.

Consciously releasing my pelvic floor has given me heightened (or in this case, revived) sensation in the lower half of my body. I feel like the Vagus nerve Levine talks about, has been restricted for a very long time and all of a sudden I have this awareness around sensations in parts of my body, which prior to this release, I have been totally disassociated from. It’s nuts! Makes me ashamed to proclaim body awareness as a pilates instructor. That I can teach awareness and exercise none. – The result is a depth of unprocessed emotion sitting on the floor of my pelvis, that feels overwhelming and at times a little unbearable.

I have this beautiful life, yet I sit here with this sadness and loneliness I didn’t even know was there. This is an old wound, I know. Through letting this muscle go, my guard has started to drop. That became apparent with my Bellarine family. I outreached to one of my support friends earlier and had a massive realisation. I have never been the one requiring the support, so my support network are those I can provide support to, not necessarily the people who are able to support me. I started to break down to her and she asked “where is God in this?” (A generic response) – I thought, “God is sitting right next to me, where God has always been… I am not asking where God is, rather, where are the rest of the people?”

We sat in silence for a bit, then I did what I’ve always done and turned the conversation back onto her. I listened in a broken state, generic and unauthentic. I felt deflated. My friend is a really special soul. I give her no discredit. It is me who, time and again, fails to let people in. Whether it is because I don’t want to be burdensome or if it is because I don’t feel worthy. I continue to shut the door. I put my arm out and I keep you there. Desperate to be close, but too afraid to take a step towards you. Yearning for connection, but turning to bolt when it starts to come towards me. You can have my time and everything I could possible give you, but not me…

It’s interesting. With this new found awareness, I am sure the change will come. Though bleak, the light still peers through the cracks and shines hope into my dark and lonely heart. A heart that has been locked away from the world for a very long time.

 

Almost slipped into the River

I have spoken before about my addiction to love, or intrigue, rather, being similar to being swept away by a raging river… Turns out Patrick Carnes has the same analogy – I am sure his came long before mine hahaha, but it is funny that the description is identical and I have only just started reading his book “Facing the Shadows”.

I haven’t blogged in a few days and the reason for this, is that I have been in a bit of withdrawal from an intrigue – technically I didn’t slip, but I came pretty darn close and the withdrawal feels just as painful. The only difference, this time,  is that I only paused my life for a little bit and I am back on my feet quite quickly – Thank God!

Having been so swept up in this fantasy with this girl, I lost myself completely. What do I like to do?

• I love to cook – I couldn’t even spice my nut granola for breakfasts while courting this girl.
• I love to blog every night – this is my first post in three days.
• I love comedy – We spoke a lot about comedy while we were intriguing, but it was about shows we wanted to see together and about comedians we enjoyed (which was a massive hook, because I felt supported with my dream to do stand up), but the comedy became more about the motive to flirt than the comedy itself.
• I love music – she’s a musician, so my world became wrapped up in her music and what she played. What music is she in to and how can I use that to my advantage in the art of seduction – all of a sudden we are talking about sex and music is hardly featuring (it became all about how can I use this music thing, to get what I want –  carefully constructed playlists to set a mood to achieve a desired outcome – manipulation at it’s finest)

My program and my self care went out the window… I stopped showing up for myself and all of a sudden this fear of being alone crept in – I have been single for 16 months and 8 months away from acting out sexually – before this girl, I had absolutely NO problem sitting in silence. All of a sudden I am making phone calls to her to fill the empty space – what is that about?

So how do I cope with this kind of thing? Well, firstly I took a few days off (it is by the grace of God that this happened on a week where I could afford to do that and uni holidays are on for the next 2 weeks). Luckily my fortnightly therapy session fell on day 3 of the process. We could bottom line this new intrigue. I blocked her on social media platforms. We put together a contingency plan should she be at a meeting I’m at (LEAVE! 😉 ) – After the session I went home and took a nap – It was heavenly! I did some work and then decided I wanted to cook.

I spent 5 hours in the kitchen (which for me is my idea of paradise!) – I cooked a Thai red beef curry, but made a vegetarian version with tofu for my flatmate. I found out that if you pressed the tofu and then marinated it, it soaks up flavour much better – The result was delicious – The reward was getting to have dinner with my housemate (carb free I might add, with Cauli-rice as the rice alternative) – She loved it and that is actually what I live for. I put so much love into the food that I cook and to get to give that to someone and see their appreciation and enjoyment is one of my esteemable acts. She made carb free nut bars, which I had the pleasure of enjoying as a treat today.

My therapist gave me the “Facing the Shadows” book and I have been working on that for part of this morning. I am quite triggered, but that is to be expected. Looking at the ways I have acted out sexually is a really good blueprint to make sure I don’t continue to repeat the same behaviour. Aware of how triggering this process can be, I have made plans to see my sponsor tonight and before that I am going to take a bath. As part of my money program I have to shift my budget from driving to using public transport, so that way I will get my walk in too for the day too.

I’m back on track, but fighting hard for my sobriety. 8 months sober and I can still slip as easily as if I was on day 1. This disease is sneaky and much smarter that I could ever hope to be. I am blessed to be on my eleventh step right now, because it is now more than ever that I need God’s help. Working on that relationship everyday is the thing I need to be focused on. One day at a time, one minute at a time. One foot in front of the other. This morning I started by making my bed and the rest followed – This Helped: A little inspiration

Consumed

An addict resides inside my head
She lies, still and dormant, you’d think she’s dead
She pulls the wool and blocks my stare
So cunning and baffling, I forget she’s there

She stuns me with her cloak of denial
My purest of intentions, turn black and vile
It matters not if you are the softest thing
She’ll drag you along, on a string

No part of you bothered to consider
She’ll blow you of for a higher bidder
For a more palatable flavour of the week
Passes you up as tongue-in-cheek

You try to love her – she tries to score
She leaves you bleeding on the floor
My power gone, I am all consumed
My body a shell, she keeps groomed

To seduce you and to get her way
I am insane, to think I have a say
She may be quite, but she is always awake
Waiting, whip in hand for my mistake

I tear through everything trying to run
I cry in a corner – what have I done?
The pain scars the faces of those I hold dear
Who were scorned by my reaction as I tore through in fear

Shaking my head, my hands cover my face
My mind beats me down, “you are a disgrace!”
Shamefully I glance back at all the debris
God please help! This is killing me!

C’mon Australia, Catch up!!!

If a multicultural college can get behind gay marriage, with students from countries whose core beliefs are relatively homophobic, to say the least. Why can’t the Australian government?

On Saturday (26 August 2017) we will all march in Melbourne for Marriage Equality. Gay People, Lesbian People, Transgender People, Straight People, Intersex People, Bisexual People… We are all just People!!! Why be the breeding ground for discrimination? I can’t help who I am, nor can I help who I love, why should I be punished for it?

Love is Love and People are People… It doesn’t matter what your preference is!