The Gruesome Truth

Twelve steps in Sex & Love Fellowship done! 🙂 I totally did them to prove a point, but who cares what the motivation is for positive behaviour, because at least now they are done once completely. I feel really content and I have had the pleasure of experiencing the quietness of mind, even through slippery times.

My major excitement comes at the fact that I can now recommit to the money program. I can address the compulsive need to prove, because that is one of the symptoms, and get to work at setting goals for life and building self worth. For me, through my experience (and now I can say it, because I did put all other programs down, just to work on one) – I need to work programs simultaneously, because really my addiction is forever manifesting and one of my triggers for acting out sexually is financial stress. So I have contacted my money sponsor and tonight I have set the intention to recommit to that program, while running the sex stuff parallel.

Working through Chapter One of Patrick Carnes, “Facing the Shadows” has just smashed through the denial and the cockiness I developed through sustained sobriety. I am a sex addict, who loves to play the victim of crazy lovers or of misplaced love… playing myself a concerto on the world’s smallest violin. When the truth is, I am a hunter, a predator if you must. I am just “a shy little, blonde girl”, so you would never guess it. I got away with this disguise loads in my active drug addiction. I was a dealer, who used to get off on getting away with ‘murder’, because the cops never questioned my involvement in anything.

The truth hurts! While working through the book, I couldn’t stop shaking my head in shame. I know I have a disease, but I am not proud of my behaviour and seeing the beast in it’s vulgarness is confronting beyond words. Thank God I am used to doing my 10th without self-condemnation… that alone has softened the blow. For so long, I chose to turn my back on my past for fear of looking at it. So ashamed of what I have done. Thats what makes recovery hard for my avoidant self. The only way to heal from it is to look at it and learn from it.

Today I am grateful for the determination to carry on. This is more God’s success than mine and I am so appreciative of the fact that I am able to move onto the other side of this pain, where the learning is.